Falling Apart
by Queenbee19
Summary: And sometimes when things are falling apart, they actually may be falling into place
1. Introduction

Introduction

When asked to find your deepest fear, your mind shuts down and your heart takes control. You stop thinking about what is right, and you start wondering what you feel. Thats whats so hard, putting aside heart and head.

When you've always been told to think a certain way, feel a certain way, it's hard for your emotions to ever get a chance. And then when you let them out for the first time, they stand in awe at the world, and finally take in what they've been missing. You finally think you've found what you've been looking for: happiness. You think your heart is complete, because now you can feel for the first time. Its like your first step, your first breath. It's enchanting, almost euphorical.

Until something bad happens. Something takes something away from you. Your emotions experience something more then just happy and glad. You start to see the bad in the world. You start to see the dark in people's hearts. You start to see just how blind you were now that your vision has cleared. Everything makes sense now, you now know why they told you not to feel.

Then it becomes good again, the bad is over. But you can't shake the deep pit in your heart that it can, and will happen again. You feel on edge, you feel anxious. You feel worried and confused, and your mind doesn't understand the blend of emotions running through. And your heart feels forever changed, pumping tainted blood through a scarred body. You experience fear.

Fear at a basic level. So then when asked what your deepest fear is, you think of what you felt for the first time, but worse. You think of how dark everything was, now you felt the never ending pit. How you wished for nothing more then it to end, before you lost control. You think of the thing that scares you the most.

Failure. My deepest fear, is the simplest one of them all. I am afraid of not being what I know I can be. Not reaching high enough, not running far enough, not jumping long enough. Not being what I know I can be, and what everyone expects me to be. Not doing everything right. Not making everyone proud. I am afraid of failure.

And when the thought crosses my mind, that I could fail at any given task. I get the pit. My mind clouds over. I start to feel a mix of emotions, I'm not sure what's the correct thing to feel . I franticly run through all the ways in my head to not fail, all of the ways in my head to make it right before it happens. Because I'm so deeply afraid of what will happen if I fail.

And thats why I haven't been able to sleep for the past month. That's why I haven't told anyone why I'm abnormally tired or grumpy at school. That's why I haven't gotten less then a perfect score on a test. Why I study more then I need to. Why I try more then I half to. Because I only have one test left, before its all over. And if I fail the coming test, there won't be anything in my future.

One more test, before I can breathe. Accept on this last test...there are no right answers.

* * *

Hey

So this is a rewrite of my story Lost and Found (you can read it if you want haha but I wouldn't) and it is based on a Divergent RP. So I will have to give character credits to Avidbookreader14, BlackMambaRebel, Can'tBeatCandor, and LilacDusts for some of the characters in the story. Anyways I hope you liked it, please leave a review I would totally appreciate it.

xoxo Queenbee19


	2. Perfect Disaster

Perfect Disaster

I took a deep breath, and one last look. Letting my blonde hair brush lightly past my shoulders as I examined the ensemble I had layed out the night before. My black leggings hung comfortably to my legs as an oversized knit blue sweater was hung over my shoulders and rested itself just past my hips. I added a pair of black soft boots, and a light shade of gloss to dress up the causal look. Turning around to check my self from every angle, I left myself satisfied with my comfortable outfit before making my way out of my bedroom, down the stairs, and out of my unessisarly large house.

I could feel the chill of October air among me, as I walked down the street to the soft beat of falling leaves. I took in all of the colors around me, savoring the smell of fall in Erudite, which smelled like old books and warm coffee. I made my way down, backpack slung over my back, to stand outside a smaller apartment looking house, with a brick outside with a small driveway and stairs leading up to the golden brown door. I stood by the black mailbox, looking at the faded gold numbers on it's side as I waited for what seemed like seconds.

Out of the door came a girl slightly older then me, with jet black hair that fell past her shoulders. She gently closed the door behind her, before turning her head to great me with sparkling mint green eyes and a smile. She walked down the steps, well the four of them, before walking down the driveway to where I was waiting by the mailbox. She wore a blue skirt the flared out with a tucked in white v-neck that clung to her figure.

"Morning," she said to me, coffee cup in hand as we walked down the street towards the big stone building at the end of the path.

"Hey Kimberly," I smirked to her as I continued to walk, looking straight foreword instead of at her face, which I was sure was making a weird expression at the moment. The only person who called her Kimberly would be my mom, and that was out of resentment and disapproval. My mom's one way of making a jab, without it being too obvious for anyone to prove. My mom was a smart women.

"Anyways," she drawled after a beat of silence that I could've chosen to fill with a snicker."Ready for another wonderful day of learning?" she asked in mock excitement, as I let out a tiny laugh.

"Yeah, aren't I always?" I played along, accidentally on purpose bumping into her as I continued to walk.

Kim laughed, as her dark hair was tangled by the wind, blowing distractedly in her face as the wind was behind us. "Always," she agreed with me, something she usually did. Though my best friend, she was always know as the sidekick to me. "Chase's best friend."

Minutes later we arrived at school, greeted by the warm air of the building, and the crowds of people there. We headed towards our usual spot, where all of us Erudite's would sit and chat about things that we seemingly relevant, but probably not.

I had had the same friends since I was a girl. In Erudite our friend groups never changed, and we stuck with the people we were loyal to from the beginning. At the most, we only added to our community never subtracting. Because the more people equaled more information. And from an early age my mom told me to keep friends close and enemies closer. So the safe way to play it was to keep everyone close.

I sat down in my spot at the table that I always sat in the morning .Putting my silver bag down beside me,I was greeted by the tired looks of Erudite teenagers on a Monday morning. My group of friends we're nothing special, just a bunch of us with high level parents who naturally bonded by our similarity of power. Things like this ran in the family, so naturally I was the center of all attention. Weather or not I did anything worth talking about, I was always talked about amongst Erudite's my age. I guess everyone needed something to gossip about without it looking like real gossip. We weren't Candor.

"Morning Chase, Kim" Jordan half heartedly breathed out to me, though I knew he was too far from consciousness to even be considered awake, Caffeine in hand I watched in continue to drink it, hoping the warmth and sugars would wake him up faster.

"Hey guys," I replied to no one in particular, looking around the table to see if anyone was missing from our usual bunch. Faces that I usually never appreciated, yet missed when they weren't there. I was finishing my mental count when the last number I needed slid next to me. I knew the tentative touch from anywhere, as I turned to face calculating navy blue eyes.

Jayson Merrick was Erudite's version of a "bad boy". But nothing in comparison to any Dauntless wild child. He had nice brown hair and a serous face to accompany his calculating eyes, and always had a look that made you think he was up to something, Accept you could never figure out what, until he had already won.

I had known him since we were kids, he lived two doors down from me, and his parents work close enough to my mom. Other then Kim, he was my best friend in the faction. And the only other person I trusted with my emotions. Well, I trusted him with anything. And I guess that's why we're so close, our ability to be honest. Honest is like a fire, it can start dim and spiral out of control if not kept and closely watched. And that's how our friendship was.

"What do you want Merrick," I raised my eyebrows, pursing my lips to glance at my friend in mock uninterest. Out of the corner of my eye I watched him study me for a moment before responding.

"Well well someone's moody," he teased back, also turning away so that we were facing the group and not each other. Kim always joked the two of us we're destined to get married one day. And when she would, both of us would come up with a million reasons why we couldn't marry the other. We would start with one or two honest reasons, and then realize we had no more. Then we both tried to come up with realistic sounding excuses, because we didn't want to face the reality that we were probably perfect for each other.

"Not moody, just not talking to you," I simply retorted, not making eye contact or the slightest bit of emotion as I pretended to be immensely interested in my finger nails.

I caught his navy blue eyes roll as he touched his tablet repeatedly. It was angled in such a way that no one would notice it wasn't even on. This game we played, of trying so hard not to talk, more and more made me like him. It was working in a reverse effect, because I think we were both scared to admit it. "Ouch," he said pretending to be hurt, yet I couldn't trace any emotion in his words. It seemed he was distracted by something on his mind.

"Well,"I said grabbing his tablet and placing it face down on the table so he was forced to look me in the eye, I smirked meeting his. "I guess I can make an exception," I shrugged, turning to finally face him. "How was your weekend?"

Jayson chuckled, before shrugging indifferently, "Just another weekend."

"So..."I pushed my eyes twinkling. Yet I didn't know why I was in such a good mood when I was around him, making my heart feel little pitter patters when he smiled at me. It was a weird feelings, as if I wanted his attention. As if it was as good as impressing him.

He laughed again, "Fine fine it was a good weekend," he finally stated, "What about you. How was The Tyrant this weekend?"

I grinned at our code word, "The Tyrant" being my mom. It wasn't like she was overbearing or mean or abusive or anything, she was great. It was just sometimes when your mom was busy leading a faction, she didn't need an teenage daughter getting in her way. Or letting her down for that matter. She gained her nickname by setting insanely high expectations for my brother Channing and I. Always only accepting the best, and nothing below it.

"She was surprisingly good this weekend. She only asked me twice about school, which is better then the usual hourly check," I responded to him, flipping my blond hair so it was no longer covering part of my face.

Jayson smirked, "Good." he replied reaching for his tablet back as I smacked his hand away."Aw come on!" he whinnied.

I smirked,"Jay come on, wouldn't you rather talk to me then fool around on that thing?" I pout-asked.

"Honestly?"

I nodded,"Honestly."

Jayson's smirk widened and widened until finally I was worried. "I rather be on my tablet," he said back lunging for it and getting it back.

I pretended to be hurt by his joke, crossing my arms. "Jayson!" I protested, but I honestly couldn't help smiling at our exchange,

Jayson sighed, putting his tablet down back on the table and looking to me to see if I was pleased,"Happy now?" he asked in mock frustration.

I sighed back, mimicking him."Yes." I said back satisfied.

My mood was kept at a pretty good place, because for some reason more then ever being around him made me feel so happy inside. I wasn't sure how to explain it, because it was different from when I was around him before. And I was secretly mad at myself for having these feelings, because all I could think of is rejection, reduction, and retaliation.

Until the ding of the bell came, and Jayson and I both stood up because we knew it was time for us to begin what a natural Erudite would say as the best part of their day: learning. I didn't let him see me as I hid a frown that we would be departing for the next class. But as we walked down the plain halls, he punched my shoulder repeatedly waiting for me to make any response.

"What do you want?" I asked half aggravated, but by then I was laughing and on the verge of giggles as he didn't stop punching me. "What am I your punching bag!"

"Yes?" Jayson laughed back as he continued, I half-heartledly fought back, not putting much into it because I was an Erudite, only Dauntless fought in public. And I honestly wasn't sure of my own strength.

Then the abuse stopped as we neared my class, "Hey, I was wondering," he said to me semi-seriously, I could always tell by the way his face scrunched up when he was concentrating. Just like I could tell know that he was...nervous. But he looked like he was trying to play it cool, the way he always did. "We should like...hang out some time?"

I laughed on instinct, because I heard the words but couldn't convince myself that they were meant to be in the way I secretly wanted them to be. "Well..it's not like we talk every day or anything," I sarcastically replied, though unsure if it was a joke.

"No...I mean like. Hang out hang out. You know what I mean, Chase!" He laughed back, though I could tell by the shakiness it was an unraveled laugh.

And I did know what he meant, we were practically siblings. I always knew what he was talking about, and most of the time I knew what he was thinking. Sometimes as kids we pretended to be twins, maybe some of the twin telepathy rubbed off on our make believe. "That'd be cool," was all I could say back. It would be more then cool; because I was pretty sure we both had declared our small crush on each other. The one that everyone else seemed to know about except us. And it would be cool, except one problem.

I was dating Ernest, another one of the guys from my group of friends. Not that I liked him that much, it was just more for having the security of a boyfriend. And now that Jayson had finally got the balls and hinted something, it was perfect in someways. Because this was what I had been secretly hoping for. But yet I knew this would be a mess to untangle, one I would be in the middle of.

This day was everything I could've asked for, and everything I didn't want.


	3. Never Had a Fighting Chance

Never Had A Fighting Chance

It seemed like the 5days went by so quickly. I found the easiest way to solve my problem was to avoid it, in feat that my solution would be incorrect and I would ruin it more.

Friday night I had Ernest over at my place after school, my excuse to my mom being the atypical "We have to study," excuse that always worked. My mom wasn't gullible; she just knows that I would call her hypocritical if she said no. How could the leader of Erudite say no to studying,

The same way I couldn't say no to Ernest. He was sprawled out over the small white couch in my room, reading something on a blue tablet. There were some things I did love about him, staring with his intelligence.

Ernest was one of those Erudite boys who were never going to leave factions since the day they we're born. He looked the part too, with perfect blonde hair and quizzical green eyes. Nothing was ever a surprise with him; I could always guess his next move.

And he was so smart, probably my biggest competition in everything. I would always compare myself to him, to see if I was doing good enough. I could only describe him as brilliant, because I only ever wanted his intelligence.

"Chase come look at this," he beckoned me over as I came out of the bathroom and into my bedroom. I slid the ponytail holder from off my wrist and gathered my blonde hair into a quick bun as I sat beside him, crossing my legs.

I looked over his shoulder, seeing on the tablet some article about initiation. It seemed like Amity would be running it this time, and my stomach churned at it's mention. I never liked talking about initiation, because I didn't want to face the inevitable future.

"Cool," I nodded with a tiny smile, pretending to be really interested in a piece of lint caught on my light gray baggy sweats.

Ernest stopped, and put the tablet down looking to me. "Chase what's been with you lately?"

I shrugged, avoiding his eyes because I couldn't honestly look at them. Then again he wasn't Candor so he probably couldn't tell if I were lying or not. But I had listened to some of the Candor kids before, and I knew a few tricks.

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

I lightly sighed, "Just stress that's all. Initiation coming up and all."

That was how I managed to dodge breaking up with him for the rest of the week. Not because I was too afraid to do it, I just didn't feel like doing it. Part of me couldn't take breaking him like that; for no good reason except I wanted someone else.

On the flip side, Jayson knew that I was dating Ernest and didn't want to get in the way of anything. So we remained closer to siblings then to dating, which was ok with me. I didn't want things to be come weird, now that we both realized that we both had feelings for each other.

But I could tell the whole time he was pulling, wanting me to just make up my mind. His body language screamed "what are you waiting for?" and I didn't have a good answer. So I stopped waiting.

I broke up with Ernest, told him the truth. In simplicity I just said that I finally realized I had some feelings for Jayson. Ernest ended up laughing at me, saying that this was nothing new and everyone had known for a while now.

Jayson and I started dating, because it felt like the right thing to do. And part of me knew we never had a fighting chance, but I didn't want to listen to that part. I wanted to ignore any truth that contradicted what I wanted reality to be.

At first, it was as perfect as everyone thought it would be. Two best friends dating, and I guess we looked like a good enough couple because my friends approved. Even my mom approved, and Channing didn't mind though I did receive much teasing from my older brother.

I guess it was too good to be true, because within one night it all seemed to slowly crumble.


	4. Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

My heart was beating too fast, and the room was too dark. And my mind was too much of a blur to know what to do. How to react. What was going on.

Let me rewind. October 19th was as normal as any birthday would start, I guess. I woke up early in the morning, staring at the ceiling for a long time. I kept breathing and lying there, feeling nothing. And inside my head I kept telling myself to enjoy the day, because in 365 days I would be a completely new person, no matter what I chose.

I went down the white rectangle stairs that spiraled to the main floor of the apartment space. For my birthday this year I had rented a small apartment space to host a small sweet sixteen. Erudite parties we're always fun, never too out of hand we were too smart for that.

Kim was there bright and early to wish me a happy birthday, and somehow in the morning she still looked like some kind of angel. Maybe it was the crisp white pajamas against her milk chocolate hair and ocean eyes, but she just looed too perfect.

The morning was begun with a small flurry of birthday calls from family members to me, yet this year I couldn't even enjoy the seranation because my mind was too busy buzzing like fluffy white bees in a flurry. I had too much on my mind.

We finished decorating the apartment with simple gray and white décor. Though seemingly boring the space became classic and simple. Kim went back up to the other bedroom to nap before the party, and I went to my own room to think. Just think.

When suddenly I felt the in out of breath that wasn't mind.

"Jayson?" I slightly jumped, as in front of me was my boyfriend. He was dressed in simple jeans and a navy blue shirt, but added a comfortable smirk on his face. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"No particular reason," he said walking around my room, "I just thought I would visit." Jayson had made a habit of that lately, visits during no visitor hours. I felt like Jayson was always there to spend time with me, as if he wanted something from me.

It was raining outside, and the pitter patter was a soothing distraction from the thoughts. "Merrick I worry about you." I smirked at him and he pulled me in for a small kiss sitting next to me on my bed.

"As I do you," he teased getting up and leaning against the nearest wall.

I brushed a strand of light blonde back, "Seriously though, what's up?" I stared at his dark blue eyes, the color of his shirt. They looked like they had been thinking of something.

Jayson was quiet, opened his mouth, and then made a slight movement. I knew that whatever that was meant he changed his mind on what he was going to tell me. "Nothing. "

"Nothing?"

"Just stress…" I felt like it was déjà vu from the same conversation I had with Ernest just weeks before. I couldn't help but feel a knot in my chest, wondering if the theory _Karma's a bitch_ would be proved.

"Jay?" I said looking to him seriously, and it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to know that he really was stressed. You could tell just by the way his shoulders seemed tenser, even when he was supposed to be relaxed.

"It's really nothing Chase," he said to me shaking his head. I hated that, when people talked down to me like I was a child or something. It was the same look I got from my mother when she was doing something important or from my brother when he knew something I didn't. It was like they were trying to shield me from information, like it would change anything.

Jayson continued, looking actually to my eyes instead of adverting them. "Have you been thinking…about initiation?"

"Jayce…" I started, "You know I hate talking about this."

"I know you do, it's just we can't avoid it forever it's coming in a month."

"Then I'll worry in a month," I said dismissively, beginning to talk my hair out of its tight braid and re-braid it in frustration.

"You can't just avoid all of your problems you know." he said to me, his voice rising and falling within seconds. As soon as he said it I knew he regretted it. "Chase I didn't mean it that way."

I didn't look up from my braid, braiding faster and faster as my anger rose. "I think you meant it exactly that way." The words fired back bitterly. I think I was just hurt because it was true. I couldn't avoid my way though everything I was too afraid to face. But I couldn't face them, because I was afraid. More afraid then I ever wanted to admit.

Jayson sighed, sitting back next to me on the bed. "No I didn't its just…"

"I'm tired," I said to him flatty, waiting for him to get the message. I remembered how we once thought we were twins, and hopped he got it that I didn't want to talk to him. I couldn't bare that once again he was right and I was wrong.

Jayson sighed once me, giving up and standing up. "You should take a nap."

I nodded, biting my lip hard to stop me from getting upset. Not upset at him upset at the truth. "Do you want to leave the way you came," I gestured too the large window, "or would you rather the ever so popular door option?" I teased.

Jayson chuckled, "I'll take the door. By Chase see you tonight,"

"See you Merrick," I said to him softly, burring the rest of my sight and sound into my white pillow. Because once your out of sight you our of mind, and I wanted nothing more then to forget.

* * *

hope you enjoyed these two chapters. More to come soon. But if you want a spoiler then check out Lost and Found, which will be deleted soon. Anyways thanks for reading!

xoxo Queenbee19


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